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"Some Cynical Guy" No. 7: July 28, 2000 Who Wants to Be a Survivor? Just when we thought the major television networks had slipped into a terminal coma, it seems they've suddenly blinked their eyes and twitched back to life. ABC pumped up its ratings by spreading the megahit "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" over most of its weekly schedule for the past season, while CBS snapped out of unconsciousness with the summer blockbuster "Survivor." The "Millionaire" show is simply a throwback to the notorious high-stakes quiz programs of the Eisenhower administration, with one exception: they enlisted plucky cardiac patient Regis Philbin to host the show three, four, five nights a week -- in addition to his daily chores on his morning gabfest. It's as if they're courting the possibility that old Rege might keel over before a studio audience (preferably AFTER the program peaks in popularity) and blast ABC's ratings out of earth orbit for a single glorious night. Aside from the questionable wisdom of overworking an atherosclerotic TV host, there's nothing new about "Millionaire." Television audiences have always had a soft spot for nerds who can furrow their brows and come up with the name of Don Quixote's horse. By comparison, "Survivor" is almost revolutionary in concept: television that bristles with actual honest-to-God conflicts, anxieties, animosities, factions, lusts and longings. We see real people cooperate, bicker, whine, loaf, act maddeningly smug and push themselves to the limit of endurance. In short, it's a lot like life in the corporate workplace, except that the participants live on a tropical island and eat rats instead of cranberry muffins. As it turns out, "Survivor" is about as exciting as a day at the office, too. The few times I've watched it, I've been struck by how surprisingly insipid it all seems: the collection of predictably human but otherwise unremarkable characters, the flat and lazy dialogue, the inane summer-camp games, the unctuous media-glib host -- it's a Club Med for survivalists, a "Gilligan's Island" without the comedy. In fact, I can't help speculating how the original "Gilligan" cast might have fared on "Survivor." Which of the castaways would have been voted off the island first? Gilligan himself? Probably not; though his cranial bulb was decidedly of low wattage, he was small and lithe, capable of shimmying up palm trees to fetch coconuts and down shafts to retrieve trapped rodents. He was personable and made allies effortlessly, a key factor in long-term survival. How about Ginger, the voluptuous movie star? Marginally useless... overly nostalgic about her pampered life in Hollywood... never would have passed the rat-eating test... but she too had a way of ingratiating herself with her peers. The Skipper was out of shape and didn't exactly have an intellect to match his girth, but his nautical skills would have saved his ample hide -- at least in the first few weeks. Millionaire Thurston Howell III? Possibly, though his natural air of authority and clubby geniality might have spared him in the initial round. I say the first castaway to get the thumbs-down would have been "Lovey," Howell's frilly upper-crust mate. She was without malice and added undeniable charm to the proceedings, but let's face it: she oozed unmerited privilege and wouldn't have cut the mustard in a spear-chucking contest. Who would have emerged as the lone survivor? The Professor clearly was the most astute and resourceful member of the tribe; his skill at building primitive radios and rigging waterproof huts would have been exploited into the final weeks. But he would have been viewed by the others as too much of a threat. A standoffish introvert, he wouldn't have been able to forge the alliance he needed to keep him in the running. No, the dark-horse winner would have been the OTHER straight-arrow castaway, Mary Ann. A physically fit charmer with a middling but eminently practical mind, she personifies the type of irrepressible go-getter who always thrives in a group environment. Yes, Mary Ann would have won her million dollars and promptly joined the Howells at their country club. The lesson I draw from "Survivor" is, naturally, a disturbing one. On the program as in real life, survival isn't a matter of intellect or talent or greatness of character. Try to imagine Beethoven, Van Gogh, Kierkegaard or John Quincy Adams as castaways vying for survival on that tropical island; both nature and the rest of the clan would have conspired to vote them off before they had a chance to consume a single rat. Emily Dickinson would have been no competition for Gervase or Colleen; Einstein would have had to endure watching the others hold up their snooty get-lost ballots: Albert... Albert... Albert... Mahatma... Albert... Albert. An eccentric singularity is a liability when you have fish to catch. I know I wouldn't have lasted more than a week or two on the island; if my cynicism didn't get me banned outright, my almost militant ineptitude in practical matters would have done it for me. I'd have been expelled right after Sonja the ukulele player. It's the Mary Anns of the world who make the grade: motivated, extroverted, full of pep and loaded with people skills. They have a genius for adapting, for fitting in. Maybe that's why we call it "survival of the fittest." Not the best. Not the smartest. Not the most profound. The fittest. That's an important distinction to remember if you want to walk away with the loot. © 2000 by Bridget Petrella Media Relations. "Some Cynical Guy" appears here by permission of the publisher.  "Some Cynical Guy" column archive: 2002 81 -- A Brisk Walk Through the Ruins 80 -- The Fountain of Futility 79 -- Farewell to the Big House 78 -- The Cynical Guy Contemplates Cell Phones 77 -- Rich and Poor in Paradise 76 -- Dead Ducks: A Tale of the Food Chain 75 -- Old Comedians Just Fade Away 74 -- Suburbia Comes to Manayunk 73 -- When Nestlings Won't Leave the Nest 72 -- The Curse of High Standards 71 -- Inside the House of Horrors 70 -- The Post-Yuppie Handbook 69 -- Spring Reflections 68 -- Priestly Perversions 67 -- British Teeth: An Apology 66 -- The Sniffling Snout 65 -- Bullies with Social Skills 64 -- Supermarket Rage 63 -- Is the U.S. Really the Greatest? 62 -- The Holes in Our Armor 61 -- A Breath of Used Air 60 -- The Cynical Guy Has Sex 59 -- Let's Abolish the Seven-Day Week! 2001 58 -- Why Worry About the Future of Books? 57 -- The Friendly Face of Evil 56 -- Why We Live Where We Live 55 -- The Cynical Guy Discovers Talk Radio 54 -- Kite-Flying and Other Crimes 53 -- My Night as a Socialite 52 -- Gardening Is Not for Sissies 51 -- Invaders of the Honeysuckle 50 -- To Be a Cat 49 -- The Upside of Terrorism 48 -- The Vanishing Nerd 47 -- Anger Management for Cynics 46 -- Let's Level the Playing Field for Disadvantaged WASPs 45 -- First Impressions, Lasting Impressions 44 -- Close Encounter with a Go-Getter 43 -- Cheering for a Perennial Loser 42 -- The Cynical Guy Reads the Tabloids 41 -- When Does the Good Part Begin? 40 -- Confessions of an Internet Addict 39 -- The Decline of Punctuation and Civilization 38 -- Oh Baby, What a Nightmare! 37 -- The Cynical Guy Watches 'Xena: Warrior Princess' 36 -- A Night-Stroll into the Void 35 -- In Search of the Elusive Wild Tomato 34 -- Getting in Touch with Your Inner S.O.B. 33 -- The Lure of the Lurid 32 -- Black Tie and Beard Stubble 31 -- In Heaven There Is No Pez 30 -- Did You Make the Forbes Celebrity 100 List? 29 -- Redesigning Mt. Rushmore 28 -- On Listening to Dead Voices 27 -- Selling Your Soul on eBay 26 -- Sympathy for Colonel Klink 25 -- Democratic Celebrities in Exile 24 -- High School Revisited 23 -- A Farewell to Bachelorhood 2000 22 -- Requiem for a Middleweight 21 -- Is There a Gene for Tackiness? 20 -- How the Beautiful People Entertain Themselves 19 -- The Cynical Guy Gets Behind the Wheel 18 -- The Fickle Finger of Fame 17 -- Adventures in Bodybuilding 16 -- Some Don't Like It Hot 15 -- The Cynical Guy Watches Oprah 14 -- Sports Parents: Menace to Society? 13 -- Airfare Is No Fair at All 12 -- There's No Such Thing as 'New and Improved' 11 -- Celtomania! 10 -- The Naked Pate 9 -- Vanishing Act 8 -- Bush vs. Gore: It Could Be Worse 7 -- Who Wants to Be a Survivor? 6 -- Adventures in Heart Attack Prevention 5 -- Where Men Are Men 4 -- Thoughts While Listening to the Car Radio 3 -- History Is HISTORY 2 -- The Great Casino 1 -- Greetings from Your New Cynical Guy

Bayan, who claims to be a "kinder, gentler cynic," currently lives in Allentown, Pennsylvania. His weekly column, "Some Cynical Guy," is published and syndicated by Upbeat Online. 

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