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"Some Cynical Guy" No. 5: July 7, 2000 Where Men Are Men American men have seen better days. Everywhere you turn, the evidence is as plain as a kick in the groin: women now outnumber men in our colleges by a significant margin, they're starting entrepreneurial enterprises at a higher rate, they're relatively disease-proof, at least until menopause, and frequently survive to a truly frightening old age. When a woman argues with a man, she can bask in the knowledge that he's far more likely to seize up and require major cardiac intervention as a result of their tiff. As if they don't already enjoy enough advantages, women have been hectoring us menfolk relentlessly for the past thirty years to surrender more and more of our precious turf -- what's left of it. We've granted them admission to our exclusive men's colleges and clubs, let them into the armed forces and promoted them to management positions. We thought they might reconsider the felicities of the homestead once they got a bitter taste of corporate life, but no -- the little darlings actually thrive on it, God bless 'em. Stroll through the marketing and P.R. departments of most companies and you'll hear lilting female voices chewing out their underlings, many of whom are hapless young men wondering why the real world reminds them of grade school. The female warriors work 12-hour days, leave the office unaccountably refreshed, and jog three miles before settling down with a salad and a fortifying glass of skim milk. Women leverage their superior social skills by forming mutual support groups, through which they gain valuable self-confidence by hooting at their boyfriends' peccadilloes and other body parts. They network with their professional peers; they consume self-help books like corn chips; they watch Oprah for a daily pep-talk; they pamper themselves with long baths and fragrant kiwi-scented soaps. Meanwhile, what are men doing to improve their woeful lot? Let's see: they're dropping out of school, taking jobs in video rental stores and stuffing themselves with food that consists primarily of melted cheese. They're growing fat and forgetting how to read; they're abandoning the world of high culture to gays and women. Where once Shakespeare and Beethoven shook their mighty thunderbolts, the lightning has taken on a vaguely pinkish-lavender hue. Whenever you read about an especially painful example of doltish behavior, like someone tickling a poisonous snake on the chin and paying the consequences, the perpetrator is almost invariably male. All right, a few of us (not including me, of course) are becoming billionaire technogeeks; we always did have a knack for numbers and gadgetry. We still design spiffy cars and microprocessors. Women haven't equaled our achievements in biophysics and ice hockey. But in general, we men are fast on our way to becoming a second-rate sex. What can American men do to reverse this embarrassing and lamentable decline? I think I have a solution. You might not agree with me at first, but I beg you to hear me out. What America needs is a good fundamentalist Islamic revolution. That's right; a simple mass-conversion to Islam will nip this troublesome female ascendancy in the bud. Look at the Islamic world and let me know if I'm wrong. From Morocco to Malaysia -- wherever the muezzins call the faithful to prayer from the tops of minarets -- the men universally wear the pants, even if those pants resemble tailored bedsheets. Like Muslim men, we need to read our Korans, bow thrice a day to Mecca and convince women that they were created by Allah to be our personal property. A fundamentalist Islamic American workforce would consist, as it should, of men answering to men. That means we'd have to send some of our boys to secretarial school, but I say it's a small price to pay if we want to regain our rightful sovereignty. The fringe benefits of Islam are well worth considering, too: by eschewing alcohol and pork products, we men could finally improve our prospects of outliving our mates. Of course, women will also be eschewing pork and alcohol, but since we already consume more pork and brew per capita, we have more to gain by renouncing our unclean habits. To keep the more uppity women in line, we can adopt the fearsome Islamic practice of the "honor crime": if our wives and sisters disgrace our names by watching "Sex and the City," for example, we promptly decapitate them and trot their heads through the streets as an example to womankind. What could be simpler? Yes, a fundamentalist Islamic America would be paradise for men. We could recline in our spacious tents by evening, nibbling camel jerky and swapping tall tales about the time we chugged 18 consecutive yogurts back in college. We'd recapture the elusive dignity of manhood and wear our towels proudly on our heads. Our mates would lower their veils for our eyes only. White American families could finally name their sons Kareem. Due to unrestricted trade with Arab nations, we'd see the price of gas plummet to 1967 levels, enabling us to drive our 16-wheelers on cross-country pleasure trips. Perhaps most encouraging, we'd no longer have to worry about fundamentalist Islamic terrorists at airports and public arenas. After all, we'd be on their side. © 2000 by Bridget Petrella Media Relations. "Some Cynical Guy" appears here by permission of the publisher.  "Some Cynical Guy" column archive: 2002 81 -- A Brisk Walk Through the Ruins 80 -- The Fountain of Futility 79 -- Farewell to the Big House 78 -- The Cynical Guy Contemplates Cell Phones 77 -- Rich and Poor in Paradise 76 -- Dead Ducks: A Tale of the Food Chain 75 -- Old Comedians Just Fade Away 74 -- Suburbia Comes to Manayunk 73 -- When Nestlings Won't Leave the Nest 72 -- The Curse of High Standards 71 -- Inside the House of Horrors 70 -- The Post-Yuppie Handbook 69 -- Spring Reflections 68 -- Priestly Perversions 67 -- British Teeth: An Apology 66 -- The Sniffling Snout 65 -- Bullies with Social Skills 64 -- Supermarket Rage 63 -- Is the U.S. Really the Greatest? 62 -- The Holes in Our Armor 61 -- A Breath of Used Air 60 -- The Cynical Guy Has Sex 59 -- Let's Abolish the Seven-Day Week! 2001 58 -- Why Worry About the Future of Books? 57 -- The Friendly Face of Evil 56 -- Why We Live Where We Live 55 -- The Cynical Guy Discovers Talk Radio 54 -- Kite-Flying and Other Crimes 53 -- My Night as a Socialite 52 -- Gardening Is Not for Sissies 51 -- Invaders of the Honeysuckle 50 -- To Be a Cat 49 -- The Upside of Terrorism 48 -- The Vanishing Nerd 47 -- Anger Management for Cynics 46 -- Let's Level the Playing Field for Disadvantaged WASPs 45 -- First Impressions, Lasting Impressions 44 -- Close Encounter with a Go-Getter 43 -- Cheering for a Perennial Loser 42 -- The Cynical Guy Reads the Tabloids 41 -- When Does the Good Part Begin? 40 -- Confessions of an Internet Addict 39 -- The Decline of Punctuation and Civilization 38 -- Oh Baby, What a Nightmare! 37 -- The Cynical Guy Watches 'Xena: Warrior Princess' 36 -- A Night-Stroll into the Void 35 -- In Search of the Elusive Wild Tomato 34 -- Getting in Touch with Your Inner S.O.B. 33 -- The Lure of the Lurid 32 -- Black Tie and Beard Stubble 31 -- In Heaven There Is No Pez 30 -- Did You Make the Forbes Celebrity 100 List? 29 -- Redesigning Mt. Rushmore 28 -- On Listening to Dead Voices 27 -- Selling Your Soul on eBay 26 -- Sympathy for Colonel Klink 25 -- Democratic Celebrities in Exile 24 -- High School Revisited 23 -- A Farewell to Bachelorhood 2000 22 -- Requiem for a Middleweight 21 -- Is There a Gene for Tackiness? 20 -- How the Beautiful People Entertain Themselves 19 -- The Cynical Guy Gets Behind the Wheel 18 -- The Fickle Finger of Fame 17 -- Adventures in Bodybuilding 16 -- Some Don't Like It Hot 15 -- The Cynical Guy Watches Oprah 14 -- Sports Parents: Menace to Society? 13 -- Airfare Is No Fair at All 12 -- There's No Such Thing as 'New and Improved' 11 -- Celtomania! 10 -- The Naked Pate 9 -- Vanishing Act 8 -- Bush vs. Gore: It Could Be Worse 7 -- Who Wants to Be a Survivor? 6 -- Adventures in Heart Attack Prevention 5 -- Where Men Are Men 4 -- Thoughts While Listening to the Car Radio 3 -- History Is HISTORY 2 -- The Great Casino 1 -- Greetings from Your New Cynical Guy

Bayan, who claims to be a "kinder, gentler cynic," currently lives in Allentown, Pennsylvania. His weekly column, "Some Cynical Guy," is published and syndicated by Upbeat Online. 

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