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"Some Cynical Guy" No. 2: June 9, 2000 The Great Casino The scent of old money wafts from the stately canyons of Wall Street like some rare and costly perfume. As you gaze upon the cold stone facades and lofty towers, you can't help but feel the imposing gravity of the place. You almost expect to see J.P. Morgan emerging from the next door, glancing at his pocket watch and securing his top hat before he disappears around the corner. But it's all an illusion, this aura of patrician solidity -- nothing but smoke and mirrors. The fact is, Wall Street has become the world's gaudiest and most spectacular casino. All it lacks is a billion-dollar resort hotel with simulated Venetian canals and Wayne Newton on the marquee. I have to wonder why it doesn't bother anyone -- why it doesn't cause the least twitch of unease -- that the entire economy of the Free World rests in the hands of GAMBLERS. They might not be smoking cigars around a table in a dimly lit back-room; they might not wear green eyeshades or answer to names like "Louie the Turk." But they're gamblers all the same, and worst of all, they're US. We've grown addicted to the daily ups and downs, the thrill of a three-for-one split, the intoxicating possibilities of an IPO. It doesn't matter if we win or lose; the roulette wheel is about to spin, and we stack more chips on the table. Back in the Mesozoic, in those primeval days before the recent tech boom, you had the sense that people invested because they admired a company or believed in its products. They especially admired companies with long records of steadily increasing revenues and earnings. You could imagine Ward Cleaver sitting down with Wally and advising him about the soundness of utility and insurance stocks. "Always remember, son, that slow and steady wins the race," he'd tell him. Where's Mr. Cleaver now? In the past year we've gone giddy over flimsy technogeek stocks with infinite P/E ratios, while solid oaks like AT&T have withered. For a time, actual profits seemed to be an impediment. It didn't matter if a company lost money every quarter since it went public, as long as it beat the oddsmakers' spread. Hey, NerdCom was supposed to lose $1.49 a share, but it only lost $1.47. Buy! Buy! Buy! Uh-oh, GM came in with earnings of $2.71 a share, a penny under forecast. Sell! Sell! Sell! Finally we're showing signs of coming to our senses; the air has been easing out of the dotcom balloon, but there's still no discernible pattern in sight. Round and round the market goes; where it stops, only Alan Greenspan knows. Frankly, I have to say it's making me edgy. I'm tired of losing sleep wondering if I should sell my floundering wireless stock. What do I know about wireless, anyway? I always thought it was a kind of radio invented by Marconi. But where else can we put our money if we don't funnel it into companies? Real estate is tricky; commodities are too risky; gold has lost its luster. Bank accounts? You can't be serious. We need new investment alternatives, and we need them now! We already have speculators who bet on international currencies; I say we go a step further and start speculating on the COUNTRIES THEMSELVES. It's a lot more dignified than pork bellies or orange juice futures, and it's so much easier to understand than wireless or fiber-optics. In fact, I wonder why nobody ever thought of it before. I'll start my portfolio with 200 shares of Finland (ticker symbol: FND). They're in the vanguard of the cell phone industry, they make killer saunas and their women are wholesomely pretty. They're still underpriced and their stock should be climbing steadily over the next few years, especially if they can boost tourism. Reindeer dude ranches -- that's the ticket. As for blue-chip nations like France and Britain, they've been resting on their laurels far too long. Yes, we know about the Impressionists and George Bernard Shaw, but what have they done LATELY? They both could use a good Secretary of Investor Relations. Certain small-cap countries like Azerbaijan (AZBX), which is securing international aid in drilling the oil reserves off its Caspian coast, should appreciate significantly over the long term. What's this? PaineWebber just downgraded Malaysia (MALY) from "Attractive" to "Hold," and it's off nearly 8%! Excuse me while I check Malaysia's online message board. Let's see... "Look out below!" "MALY up 200% by September!" "I'm dumping this POS country!" "We've hit double bottom -- will pop tomorrow!" Those goofballs! As usual, you can't tell anything from a message board. If investing in other people's countries isn't for you, how about buying shares of our own home-grown CELEBRITIES? Some of them generate more revenues than entire Third-World nations, so celebrity-trading makes sound investment sense. Bruce Willis (BRWX) is undoubtedly overpriced by now, but what about a rising star like John Cusack (JCUK)? Wouldn't you take a chance on 100 shares? Sharon Stone (SHST) is always a good bet, though her P/E ratio is off the charts. Still, folks don't seem to mind that her films don't turn a profit; they like what they see. She's comparable to a tech stock: all glitter and glamour, with the elusive promise of hot fulfillment. Woody Allen (WAX) has seen better days, but his prestige should be enough to overcome the fact that his appeal is largely limited to New York, France, and parts of New Jersey. He offers a strong product in a local market. I'd also like to see us start investing in WORDS, those essential building blocks of language. How admirable it would be -- how smart and civilized -- to own shares of elegant adjectives like "insufferable" (INSF) or "obsolete (OBT)." Imagine the staggering potential of a Transitive Verb Mutual Fund. But words don't have earnings, you say? They're not commodities to be bought and sold? Fear not -- they'll earn plenty as soon as we start charging fees to use them. And then everyone will be in on the action. I'd look into high-value words that are currently out of favor, like "virtue" (VRTX) or "nobility" (NBTY); they're going to rebound eventually. Popular slang makes a good short-term investment, though you have to know when to dump. Anyone who bought "groovy" (GVY) or "grody" (GRDY), for example, would have been burned when the words fell from favor. Today they're selling for pennies and nobody wants them even at those prices. The infamous and ineffable f-word (FKX) seems to be an exception to the short-term nature of slang. It's probably a little overpriced right now due to its extreme popularity, especially on HBO. But wait for a dip and buy as many shares as you can; you can be sure that its market will never dry up. © 2000 by Bridget Petrella Media Relations. "Some Cynical Guy" appears here by permission of the publisher.  "Some Cynical Guy" column archive: 2002 81 -- A Brisk Walk Through the Ruins 80 -- The Fountain of Futility 79 -- Farewell to the Big House 78 -- The Cynical Guy Contemplates Cell Phones 77 -- Rich and Poor in Paradise 76 -- Dead Ducks: A Tale of the Food Chain 75 -- Old Comedians Just Fade Away 74 -- Suburbia Comes to Manayunk 73 -- When Nestlings Won't Leave the Nest 72 -- The Curse of High Standards 71 -- Inside the House of Horrors 70 -- The Post-Yuppie Handbook 69 -- Spring Reflections 68 -- Priestly Perversions 67 -- British Teeth: An Apology 66 -- The Sniffling Snout 65 -- Bullies with Social Skills 64 -- Supermarket Rage 63 -- Is the U.S. Really the Greatest? 62 -- The Holes in Our Armor 61 -- A Breath of Used Air 60 -- The Cynical Guy Has Sex 59 -- Let's Abolish the Seven-Day Week! 2001 58 -- Why Worry About the Future of Books? 57 -- The Friendly Face of Evil 56 -- Why We Live Where We Live 55 -- The Cynical Guy Discovers Talk Radio 54 -- Kite-Flying and Other Crimes 53 -- My Night as a Socialite 52 -- Gardening Is Not for Sissies 51 -- Invaders of the Honeysuckle 50 -- To Be a Cat 49 -- The Upside of Terrorism 48 -- The Vanishing Nerd 47 -- Anger Management for Cynics 46 -- Let's Level the Playing Field for Disadvantaged WASPs 45 -- First Impressions, Lasting Impressions 44 -- Close Encounter with a Go-Getter 43 -- Cheering for a Perennial Loser 42 -- The Cynical Guy Reads the Tabloids 41 -- When Does the Good Part Begin? 40 -- Confessions of an Internet Addict 39 -- The Decline of Punctuation and Civilization 38 -- Oh Baby, What a Nightmare! 37 -- The Cynical Guy Watches 'Xena: Warrior Princess' 36 -- A Night-Stroll into the Void 35 -- In Search of the Elusive Wild Tomato 34 -- Getting in Touch with Your Inner S.O.B. 33 -- The Lure of the Lurid 32 -- Black Tie and Beard Stubble 31 -- In Heaven There Is No Pez 30 -- Did You Make the Forbes Celebrity 100 List? 29 -- Redesigning Mt. Rushmore 28 -- On Listening to Dead Voices 27 -- Selling Your Soul on eBay 26 -- Sympathy for Colonel Klink 25 -- Democratic Celebrities in Exile 24 -- High School Revisited 23 -- A Farewell to Bachelorhood 2000 22 -- Requiem for a Middleweight 21 -- Is There a Gene for Tackiness? 20 -- How the Beautiful People Entertain Themselves 19 -- The Cynical Guy Gets Behind the Wheel 18 -- The Fickle Finger of Fame 17 -- Adventures in Bodybuilding 16 -- Some Don't Like It Hot 15 -- The Cynical Guy Watches Oprah 14 -- Sports Parents: Menace to Society? 13 -- Airfare Is No Fair at All 12 -- There's No Such Thing as 'New and Improved' 11 -- Celtomania! 10 -- The Naked Pate 9 -- Vanishing Act 8 -- Bush vs. Gore: It Could Be Worse 7 -- Who Wants to Be a Survivor? 6 -- Adventures in Heart Attack Prevention 5 -- Where Men Are Men 4 -- Thoughts While Listening to the Car Radio 3 -- History Is HISTORY 2 -- The Great Casino 1 -- Greetings from Your New Cynical Guy

Bayan, who claims to be a "kinder, gentler cynic," currently lives in Allentown, Pennsylvania. His weekly column, "Some Cynical Guy," is published and syndicated by Upbeat Online. 

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