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"Some Cynical Guy" No. 12: September 15, 2000 There’s No Such Thing as ‘New and Improved!’ I hate to make such a tawdry confession in public, but here goes: I wrote advertising for a living longer than Babe Ruth played baseball. I won my share of awards but I can't say it was a distinguished career; I never created a TV commercial or a radio jingle, or anything as universally recognized as those 'Got Milk?' ads. No, I toiled in the unglamorous netherworld of my field as a writer of catalogs and direct-mail advertising packages -- what the jaded general public prefers to call 'junk mail.' In fact, I wrote tons of the stuff; I can be held indirectly responsible for the premature and violent deaths of thousands of innocent trees. During all those years of professional servitude -- more years than the fabled Sultan of Swat spent whacking home runs and overindulging in hot dogs -- I squandered my vital creative juices hawking mostly forgettable books and business products. Some of my prose was exemplary, given the transient nature of the subject matter. Some of it was resourceful and even romantic, as when I compared a leather binder to the spiffy jackets worn by World War II flying aces. Of course, most of what I wrote happened to be as forgettable as the products themselves, and deservedly so. But I'm proud to report that in all those years of writing advertising for a living, I never once used the revolting phrase 'New and improved!' If I had a pet peeve as an advertising copy chief, that was it. For me, 'New and improved!' represented everything I loathed about my chosen field: the hucksterism, the hype, the unscrupulous tactics, the sweaty eagerness to make a sale. But most of all it offended my delicate sense of logic. If you think about it for a moment, you have to agree that the phrase makes no more sense than broccoli ice cream. If a product is new, then there's no way you can claim that it's improved; it would have had to exist in some inferior prenatal state, like a maggot (not that a newborn housefly is much of an improvement). Conversely, if a product is improved, it can't exactly be new, can it? By definition it's already been around the block at least once. In other words, you can't have it both ways: a breakfast cereal, candy bar, detergent or microwidget is either new OR improved, but never both. Say you've been making cough drops for the past sixty years and your R&D people finally managed to eliminate the undesirable anchovy undertaste that customers had been grumbling about. The proper phrase for the upgraded product would be 'Newly improved!' But that's too ponderously logical for the contemporary marketing mind; it just doesn't have the elemental extrovert appeal of 'New and improved!' You might as well come out with 'Not quite as bad as before!' or 'You really won't hate it the way you used to!' In most cases 'New and improved!' can really be translated as 'You used to like us but you haven't been buying us lately and our market share has been slipping, and we might even lose our jobs, so we've tinkered with our ancient formula to please fickle boobs like you.' I confess I'm filled with sadness when I see a favorite old product sporting the ominous "New and improved!' message on its packaging. It's like seeing a fine but aging actress do a pictorial spread in 'Playboy.' It tells me that the product is willing to lose its dignity for us, to dance and shuffle and wiggle for our dollars. 'New and improved!' is a cry for help. Just as pathetic, though not as defiantly illogical, are the messages that call attention to a specific attribute of the product: 'Improved flavor!' or 'Creamier texture!,' for example. You can bet that some insecure product manager held a focus group to determine why sales were slipping, and that one attendee felt obligated to find a flaw just to keep the conversation rolling. 'I'm noticing a kind of lime Jell-O aftertaste,' the vocal attendee might remark about the company's century-old cola. So the product manager feels impelled to overhaul the cola until it's been 'improved' beyond hope of recovery. From such dubious wisdom was the notorious 'New Coke' born -- and promptly rejected by an enlightened public. If companies wanted my vote, they'd emblazon their packaging with cantankerous messages like 'Same old taste -- got a problem with that?' But I'm not a typical consumer. Still, it's time 'New and improved!' was finally trashed as a selling strategy. Not only is it hucksterish and illogical, but it sustains the dangerous delusion that things improve over time. We know from the Second Law of Thermodynamics, as well as from driving through any city or looking into a mirror after the age of forty, that deterioration is the natural state of affairs in the universe. The periodic tweaks of product managers won't keep cities from crumbling or beachfront properties from being battered by erosion. They won't forestall global warming or alter the disinclination of students read about anything that took place before last Friday. And ultimately they won't even help a fading product regain favor. How many brand names that were current in Thomas Jefferson's time are still with us today? The list doesn't extend far beyond Altoids and Jack Daniels. No, 'New and improved!' is a lie and an offense to intelligent cynics everywhere; it's time that products used a message that better reflects the true nature of the universe: 'Old and getting worse!' © 2000 by Bridget Petrella Media Relations. "Some Cynical Guy" appears here by permission of the publisher.  "Some Cynical Guy" column archive: 2002 81 -- A Brisk Walk Through the Ruins 80 -- The Fountain of Futility 79 -- Farewell to the Big House 78 -- The Cynical Guy Contemplates Cell Phones 77 -- Rich and Poor in Paradise 76 -- Dead Ducks: A Tale of the Food Chain 75 -- Old Comedians Just Fade Away 74 -- Suburbia Comes to Manayunk 73 -- When Nestlings Won't Leave the Nest 72 -- The Curse of High Standards 71 -- Inside the House of Horrors 70 -- The Post-Yuppie Handbook 69 -- Spring Reflections 68 -- Priestly Perversions 67 -- British Teeth: An Apology 66 -- The Sniffling Snout 65 -- Bullies with Social Skills 64 -- Supermarket Rage 63 -- Is the U.S. Really the Greatest? 62 -- The Holes in Our Armor 61 -- A Breath of Used Air 60 -- The Cynical Guy Has Sex 59 -- Let's Abolish the Seven-Day Week! 2001 58 -- Why Worry About the Future of Books? 57 -- The Friendly Face of Evil 56 -- Why We Live Where We Live 55 -- The Cynical Guy Discovers Talk Radio 54 -- Kite-Flying and Other Crimes 53 -- My Night as a Socialite 52 -- Gardening Is Not for Sissies 51 -- Invaders of the Honeysuckle 50 -- To Be a Cat 49 -- The Upside of Terrorism 48 -- The Vanishing Nerd 47 -- Anger Management for Cynics 46 -- Let's Level the Playing Field for Disadvantaged WASPs 45 -- First Impressions, Lasting Impressions 44 -- Close Encounter with a Go-Getter 43 -- Cheering for a Perennial Loser 42 -- The Cynical Guy Reads the Tabloids 41 -- When Does the Good Part Begin? 40 -- Confessions of an Internet Addict 39 -- The Decline of Punctuation and Civilization 38 -- Oh Baby, What a Nightmare! 37 -- The Cynical Guy Watches 'Xena: Warrior Princess' 36 -- A Night-Stroll into the Void 35 -- In Search of the Elusive Wild Tomato 34 -- Getting in Touch with Your Inner S.O.B. 33 -- The Lure of the Lurid 32 -- Black Tie and Beard Stubble 31 -- In Heaven There Is No Pez 30 -- Did You Make the Forbes Celebrity 100 List? 29 -- Redesigning Mt. Rushmore 28 -- On Listening to Dead Voices 27 -- Selling Your Soul on eBay 26 -- Sympathy for Colonel Klink 25 -- Democratic Celebrities in Exile 24 -- High School Revisited 23 -- A Farewell to Bachelorhood 2000 22 -- Requiem for a Middleweight 21 -- Is There a Gene for Tackiness? 20 -- How the Beautiful People Entertain Themselves 19 -- The Cynical Guy Gets Behind the Wheel 18 -- The Fickle Finger of Fame 17 -- Adventures in Bodybuilding 16 -- Some Don't Like It Hot 15 -- The Cynical Guy Watches Oprah 14 -- Sports Parents: Menace to Society? 13 -- Airfare Is No Fair at All 12 -- There's No Such Thing as 'New and Improved' 11 -- Celtomania! 10 -- The Naked Pate 9 -- Vanishing Act 8 -- Bush vs. Gore: It Could Be Worse 7 -- Who Wants to Be a Survivor? 6 -- Adventures in Heart Attack Prevention 5 -- Where Men Are Men 4 -- Thoughts While Listening to the Car Radio 3 -- History Is HISTORY 2 -- The Great Casino 1 -- Greetings from Your New Cynical Guy

Bayan, who claims to be a "kinder, gentler cynic," currently lives in Allentown, Pennsylvania. His weekly column, "Some Cynical Guy," is published and syndicated by Upbeat Online. 

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