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Rick’s November Tirade

A Tale of Two Tribes

It was the best of times followed by the worst of times. It was a time of prosperity followed by a time of rapidly shrinking stock portfolios. It was a time of confidence followed by a time of terror. It was a time of breezy urbane detachment followed by a time of breezy urbane flag-waving. We needed answers, so we gathered a small group of questing souls and headed once again into the mountains of Karastan to visit Father Almazar. We hadn’t seen the old sage in three years, and we hoped he’d still be there to greet us and share some of his sagacity with us. (Sagacity is, after all, the hallmark of a good sage.)

The sun was sinking toward the western cliffs, lighting the sky with cold fire, as we finally approached the dwelling-place of Father Almazar high above the fabled Vale of Madzoon. The sage of Karastan heard our voices and poked his head through the entrance to his cavelike retreat.

"Shahzah, my old friends!" shouted the old philosopher. "How delightful to greet you here upon my mountain once again. Come inside, come inside. We will talk of life and trouble, or anything else you wish." We entered the hermit’s den and seated ourselves on the ancient carpets that covered the stone floor. Father Almazar brought us a bowl of apples and pomegranates, then lit a tin lantern and took his place across from us on a carpet of deep blue and amber.

I spoke for our group. "Father Almazar, we’re upset by the terrorist attacks against America. They’ve changed our world so suddenly and dramatically, and we’re afraid that life will never be good for us again. We didn’t do anything to cause these attacks, and we’re angry and confused. Do you have any answers for us?"

"I understand how the world has hurt you," said Father Almazar. "I think I understand how disconsolate you are feeling. Let me then tell you a tale." The sage took a pomegranate from the bowl and began his story.

"Back in the age that preceded the future, there dwelt two families on the opposite shores of a deep water. The tribe of Shem existed as they had for a thousand years: sojourning in desert places, watching their herds, trading and bartering for a modest livelihood. Upon this stony land they led simple, fierce and honorable lives, for they revered a dead prophet who counseled them in the ways of simplicity, fierceness and honor.

"On the other shore dwelt the tribe of Sam, although it was not truly a blood family but a gathering of individuals from many tribes who had journeyed across the water in search of opportunities. Their land proved to be abundantly fruitful, and with vast eagerness did they increase their wealth and their numbers. Together they accomplished many bold feats in commerce and the sciences, and in these achievements did they take immeasurable pride. By donating but a meager portion of their riches to the weaker tribes, they found that they could purchase their loyalty as a merchant buys out his rivals. With much pomp did the Samites rescue those tribes from their adversaries, and with great cunning did they establish warrior camps to govern their interests in strange lands."

Some of us began to fidget, and we exchanged puzzled glances as our host told his tale. I was accustomed to the mysterious ways of Father Almazar, so I was ready to hear more. The old sage continued his narrative:

"The tribe of Sam began to call itself the greatest of all the tribes, even the greatest in history. Surely they enjoyed unequaled power and influence among all the children of men. Yet the souls of their people ceased to venerate the beautiful and good; their arts grew willfully decadent and debasing to the spirit. The Samites began to assume that the other tribes must love what they love, and hate what they hate. Like a sea-creature with a hundred arms, they entwined themselves around almost every tribe on both sides of the deep water. Everywhere under the heavens, the sons of men began to wear Samite garments, watch Samite images on the screen, listen to their vulgar music and partake of their unwholesome, rapidly prepared foods."

Another wave of whispering and fidgeting followed these pronouncements, so I turned to my companions and motioned for silence. Father Almazar continued his tale as if he saw and heard nothing.

"Now the land of Shem harbored a rare and precious burning water that the Samites prized above gold and rubies, and the sons of Shem gladly traded it in exchange for money and goods. To guard their access to the burning water, the Samites established warrior camps in the land of Shem. They aided the enemies of the Shemites and even fought a war to protect the wells of burning water as if the wells were their own possessions. And wherever the Samites established their presence, even among the ancient and fierce tribe of Shem, many fell under their malign influence. The elders of the tribe feared that the old ways would be abandoned, that their young men and women would adopt the corrupt styles and beliefs of the strangers from across the deep water. Groups of Shemites began to meet in secret to plot the destruction of the Samites. With righteous wrath did they invoke the name of their ancient prophet, and with admirable ferocity did they unleash terrible and glorious justice upon the land of Sam."

At this point even I had heard enough. Amid the muffled sobs and epithets emanating from our group, I blurted out a verbal counterstrike against the old sage.

"Father Almazar, we’ve heard just about all we can stand. We came to you for understanding and yet you make it sound as if WE were the evildoers. Your story is exactly the kind of vicious slander that caused the attacks in the first place. I’m sick of all this bitter resentment toward the U.S. We may not be a perfect society, but we’re always the first in line to aid starving countries and rescue our friends from disaster. As far as I’m concerned, your story reeks of ENVY because we’re wealthy and powerful. What do you have to say about that?"

The sage put down his pomegranate and replied in a gentle voice:

"Ah, my son. It is not my own story that you heard. Alas, I have only told you the tale that is told by your enemies. The tale contains some truth and it contains much distortion, but it represents their perception all the same. What will you do to change their story? How do you change their perception of you? That is the secret to winning this war you have embarked upon. You are justified in your wrath, and perhaps you are justified in your attacks upon the land of your foe. But you are not merely engaged in a battle against a tribe or a nation; you are at war with hatred itself. Hatred is the most elusive of foes; it may hide in a cave or in a grove of olive trees; you may have to search for it on a rooftop in a remote village, or in the crevices of a cliff. Wherever two or three men are gathered in enmity to your nation, there you must strike. Yet bombs and warriors are powerless to defeat such a foe, because two or three men can move as easily as the flies that torment an ox. You are at war with a swarm of flies, and you will never catch them all. It is an impossible task."

Another of our group spoke up, "But it makes us feel better to swat as many as we can."

"Indeed," answered the sage. "You may keep swatting, but the flies will keep coming. There is no end to flies or trouble, as my people say. And there is no end to those who hate; they will always be with us. But what I said to you before, I say to you again: What will you do to change their story? You will triumph only by changing the perceptions of your enemies -- a difficult undertaking, it is certain, but one that your nation should pursue with all its ingenuity. Rewrite the story that your enemies tell, and they will resent you no more."

"But Father Almazar," I said. "How do we rewrite the story? It’s their story, after all. We have no control over what they tell each other about us."

"Ah, but you have control over what you tell them about yourself. You have control over what you show them of your culture and your ways. You have control over your actions toward their nations. Change what you reveal to them about yourself, and they will change what they believe about you."

"But won’t they still resent us because we’re rich and powerful?"

"Alas, my son," the sage replied. "The rich and powerful will always be resented by the poor and powerless, just as free men are resented by those in bondage. Your people are rich, powerful and free, so the resentments pile as high as the constellations. Surely you will be resented less if you act less rich and powerful among the nations. But always hold fast to your freedom; it is more precious by far than riches and power, more valuable even than the burning water that you covet.

Father Almazar sighed. "I fear that your war against your enemies might force you to limit your own liberties, and that would be a great tragedy in the history of men. When I told you the tale of the two tribes, I knew that you respected my freedom to think and speak as my soul directs me, even though what I had to say offended you. After all, if I had told such an offensive tale to my own countrymen, they would have beheaded me on the spot. I say to you, guard your liberty with all your might, so that you would never be inclined to behead a babbling old man."

Monthly tirades ©1996-2001 by Rick Bayan. 

Here's the complete archive of Rick Bayan's immortal tirades for your reading pleasure:

December 2002 — Hello, I Must Be Going
November 2002 — A Raving Moderate
August 2002 — Is Western Civilization Worth Saving?
July 2002 — To Scam or Be Scammed
June 2002 — I Read the News Today, Oh Boy
May 2002 — Speechophobia
April 2002 — Fanatics on Parade
March 2002 — The Prestige Gap: A Lament
February 2002 — On Becoming a Dullard
January 2002 — Art for Slackers
December 2001 — An Unsolicited Christmas Card
November 2001 — A Tale of Two Tribes
October 2001 — On the Fallen Towers
August 2001 — Why Do We Bother?
June 2001 — Notes from a Doomed Planet
May 2001 — The Museum of Discarded Names
April 2001 — Indecision
March 2001 — A Slight Case of Insanity
February 2001 — Letter to a Conscientious Critic
January 2001 — The Cynic's Inaugural Address
December 2000 — The 50th Tirade
November 2000 — Travel Advisory
October 2000 — Beyond Work
September 2000 — More Work
August 2000 — Work
July 2000 — The Doves' Nest
June 2000 — Great Affectations
May 2000 — Tale of a Virtual Village
April 2000 — The World Is My Obstacle Course
March 2000 — A Living Heck
February 2000 — On the Treachery of Time
January 2000 — A Letter to the Future
December 99 — Rare Bird
November 99 — Not Just Another Obscure Ethnic Group
October 99 — Extinction Reconsidered
September 99 — Good Life, Bad Life, Better Life
August 99 — Household Relics: An Elegy
July 99 — A Meditation on Profanity
June 99 — In Praise of Sloth
May 99 — A Bug's Death
April 99 — Obligations!
March 99 — The Courage to Be Ordinary
February 99 — A Grave Story
January 99 — What's Left for Men?
December 98 — On the Uses of Friends
November 98 — A Cynic's Thanksgiving
October 98 — Grand Illusions
September 98 — Filth
August 98 — Will the Real God Please Stand Up?
July 98 — Adventures in Downsizing
June 98 — Lady Longevity
May 98 — Uniquely Human, Uniquely Clueless
April 98 — The Mathematics of Excess
March 98 — Humbuggery
February 98 — Love and the Single Cynic
January 98 — By the Sweat of Your Brow
December 97 — Is Suffering Unfashionable?
November 97 — The Tao of Housekeeping
October 97 — The Sensory Deprivation Blues
September 97 — Down with Natural Selection!
August 97 — Noise
July 97 — On Eating Our Fellow Creatures
June 97 — Trouble in Book-Land
May 97 — Interview with an Unemployable Man
April 97 — The Cynic's Dream
March 97 — Inequalities
February 97 — Flesh and Mortality
January 97 — How to Be a Success
December 96 — Why I Can't Hate Christmas
November 96 — How I Became a Cynic




Profile of a Cynic...

Photo of Rick Bayan

Rick Bayan was born and raised in New Brunswick, New Jersey, where he enjoyed an idyllic suburban childhood—the perfect background for a lifetime of cynical disillusionment.  He has held a number of typical jobs for an idealistic liberal arts graduate, including assistant editor of Rubber Age and managing editor of Container News.  At Time-Life Books he was assigned to write about plumbing fixtures.  His work as copy chief for Day-Timers, Inc., won six advertising awards, none of which dampened his cheerfully morose view of business and life.  He has written three books, including Words That Sell and The Cynic's Dictionary, and tons of junk mail.

Bayan, who claims to be a "kinder, gentler cynic," currently lives in Allentown, Pennsylvania.  Be sure to revisit this site each month and read the latest cynical installment from Rick's Notebook.


 

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