| The NEW Cynic’s Dictionary
By Rick Bayan
1 INSTALLMENT TWO
Alternative Lifestyle A living arrangement considered
exotic and slightly offensive by the prevailing culture;
e.g., a churchgoing nuclear family headed by a married
couple, one (and only one) of whom is a woman.
Beard Male facial foliage, formerly shaved clean or
grown to exuberant excess according to the taste of the
times. In current fashion, a carefully cultivated five
o'clock shadow.
Closet The secret hideout of anyone who would be
disgraced by public exposure, like homosexuals in the past
or admirers of Richard Nixon today.
Director’s Cut The
laborious restoration of a film to its former ego
boundaries; the only cut that adds length to the original.
Edgy Sufficiently abrasive and obnoxious to captivate
an
urban audience.
Education The long and difficult process by which a
young person comes to detest books.
Flirting Wiggling one's toe in the pool while
fantasizing about a swim into the deep end. In the
contemporary workplace, likely grounds for a sexual
harassment lawsuit.
Freedom 1. In the U.S., the sacred right to speak and
act according to one's conscience, except when dealing with
sensitive special-interest groups or militant Republican
administrations. 2. What the U.S. frequently exports to developing nations, by force if necessary.
Gated Community An upscale residential enclave that
graciously surrounds itself with walls to protect the
outside world from its inhabitants.
Interactive Describing a computer program so technologically
advanced that it provides almost the same satisfaction as a
simple dialogue between two actual humans.
McJob The first stop on a college graduate’s
journey to lifelong McCynicism.
Opportunist Someone skilled at exploiting people and
events for personal gain, a behavioral aberration generally
punished with fame and riches.
Patriot One who believes passionately that his
own nation is the greatest because it is his, and that all other
nations are inferior because they aren't. Also Patriotism:
The root cause of parades, wars and billowing clouds of
rhetoric.
Perfume Premium-priced B.O. in a bottle.
Private School A sanctuary to which white liberals send
their children so they can learn egalitarian principles in
the company of other rich kids.
Racist Anyone with a too-honest opinion of his
differently hued neighbors.
Shock Art The fashionable exhibition of carcasses,
dung and other bodily effluvia as objects of aesthetic
delight and inspiration.
Special Effects The computer-generated tail that
typically wags the cinematic dog.
Technology The means by which today's forward-looking companies
produce tomorrow's obsolete gadgets.
White The color of perpetual guilt.
Wireless The current technological preoccupation of
those who spent the last decade getting wired.
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© 2003 by Rick Bayan. Feel free to
e-mail these definitions or use them on your own site as
long as you credit Rick Bayan as the author. You understand, right?
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