| The NEW Cynic’s Dictionary
By Rick Bayan
INSTALLMENT ONE 2
Aliens The extraterrestrials among us, usually
identifiable by their inexplicable ability to jog at 6 a.m.
and thrive on
14-hour workdays.
Body Piercing
Self-mutilation as a fashion statement
among nonconforming young people who crave peer acceptance.
A practice generally frowned upon by concerned parents who
used to gain their own peer acceptance by taking hallucinogenic drugs
and plotting to blow up the Pentagon.
Bonus A little year-end pocket money that for
investment bankers usually equals the lifetime earnings of
their favorite high school teacher.
Cubicle
A sensory deprivation chamber designed to
boost productivity in the workplace, at least according to
people who work in corner offices with large windows.
Dotcom A valiant online enterprise that typically
favors coolness over profitability; for this reason, esp.
following the Crash of 2000, now commonly referred to by
traumatized investors as a "dotbomb."
DVD 1. Successor to the video cassette for the few
remaining years until video-on-demand renders it obsolete.
2. How the ancient Romans would have written the word
"DUD."
Entourage
Portable friends purchased by celebrities.
Geek The lowest form of life at a carnival and the
highest form of life at a technology company, which implies
the superiority of carnivals.
IPO An investment that would generate less enthusiasm
if it were more widely known that the letters stand for
"It peters out."
Lunch In the business world, a midday feast formerly
enjoyed in the company of colleagues but now reduced to a
few gulps in front of the computer when no one is looking.
Marginalized
Shunted to the sidelines of society by
systematic prejudice or neglect, like African Americans
before the 1960s or white Protestant heterosexual males
today.
McMansions
Vast multi-chambered suburban palazzos
especially designed to house affluent couples with one
child.
Mission Statement
A corporate creed passed on to
employees so they can remember why they’re skipping lunch.
Online Offlife.
Professional
1. In personal ads, the most desirable
sort of potential mate. 2. In the streets, a prostitute. 3.
In the business world, see definition #2.
Scandal
That which ruins an unpopular official and
causes a popular one to enjoy an even higher approval
rating.
Soccer Mom
An unpaid chauffeur who had the bad
judgment to give birth to her employers.
Team Player
The type of cooperative, self-effacing
employee beloved by corporations that promote egotists to
the top positions.
Wannabe
In most cases, a neverwill. One whose
aspiration results in little more than perspiration.
Web, The
A vast bazaar with millions of booths and
nothing to eat.
Visit
The Cynic's Sanctuary: The most fun you can have while
scowling.™
© 2001 by Rick Bayan. Feel free to
e-mail these definitions or use them on your own site as
long as you credit Rick Bayan as the author. You understand, right?
Let's see Installment 2 of The NEW Cynic's
Dictionary!
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