Rick's March Tirade
Inequalities
It's all Jefferson's fault. On his bony shoulders rests the
burden of having penned those immortal and foolish words, "All
men are created equal."
Of course, Jefferson's "men" were propertied white
males, many of whom liked to decorate their noggins with powdered
wigs. Anyone would detect a degree of equality among wig-wearing,
ale-quaffing Anglo-Celtic gentlemen in knee-breeches. Second and
more to the point, Mr. Jefferson was referring to their rights --
not to their individual talents for memorizing Latin conjugations or
dancing a mean minuet.
But all that is immaterial today. People remember what they want
to remember. In those five fateful words, the Sage of Monticello
forged the glory and the curse of American civilization.
What he should have said was "All men are created
EQUALLY." That minor edit would have implied, more accurately,
that we all begin as embryos, slide down the chute into a world of
blinding light, and comment on the scene by sobbing uncontrollably.
But that's where the "equality" ends. Once we're dried off
and wrapped in a blanket, it's every infant for himself.
When I was younger and less cynical, I used to believe that a
benign spirit of checks and balances governed our lives. Sure, there
were rich kids and poor kids -- but the poor kids seemed to have
more fun. Smart kids like me were hopeless at sports. Good-looking
kids were mainly dullards. Even the favored Kennedys had their
oversized teeth and amusing accents. God was in his heaven, and he
made reasonably certain that nobody got too smug.
But then he vacated the premises. I began to observe blatant and
disturbing inequalities. I noticed that some kids were rich, fair of
face, mentally astute, and able to throw a baseball without looking
like a girl. I saw others who were poor, lumpy, underbrained, and
clumsy as ducks in a footrace.. I began to suspect, ever so
gradually at first, that the world might be UNFAIR.
Now I'm sure of it. Life is a vast card game, and somebody loaded
the deck. It's not so much the unequal distribution of talent that
bothers me. Or the inequality of opportunity that we hear about from
irate spokespeople for marginalized minority groups. What galls me
is the unequal distribution of EVERYTHING... the glaring disparities
of health, success, happiness, luck in love, and all else we aspire
to during our brief sojourn on this planet. Let me furnish you with
a few examples.
Inequality of Health: You've all heard about the folks who can
consume a steady diet of cheddar cheese, Spam, lard, pork fried
rice, barbecued ribs, Spam, eggs, sausage, Spam, Spam, cigarettes
and other supposedly noxious consumables... and live to enjoy an
uneventful old age until they die in their sleep at 97, while poor
Joe Schlumpf eats his beans and greens, exercises six days a week,
develops high blood pressure and keels over at 49. Grossly unfair.
Inequality of Success: Actor A might be one percent more talented
than Actor B -- or might be LESS talented and simply have a better
agent. Yet Actor A will go on to a career of $20 million movie
contracts, mass adulation, a hacienda in the Hollywood Hills,
liaisons with nubile starlets, shameless career puffery on
"Entertainment Tonight," partnership in a funky worldwide
nightclub chain, a bestselling ghostwritten autobiography, and 30%
of the box office receipts on a picture that outgrosses the annual
GNP of Zimbabwe. Meanwhile, Actor B is still reciting the daily
specials to restaurant patrons.
Inequality of Happiness: Did you ever notice that the happiest
folks seem to lack a gene for seeing the world as it is? They live
in a state of blissful and deluded optimism, which seems patently
unfair to the rest of us miserable thinkers.
Inequality of Sex Appeal: Let's face it -- some of us are lucky
in this department and some of us might as well go home and read
Keats. What I've never understood is the utter triviality of the
qualities that most people consider sexually alluring, like a cute
little nose, a dimple in the chin, or a ravenous and insatiable lust
that virtually wafts from the pores. What they should respond to, of
course, is one's ability to craft humorously cynical dictionaries
and websites. Then I'd be in business.
Inequality of Hair: This is a "guy" issue, mostly. The
fact is, losing our cranial foliage makes most of us look like
dweebs. All the more so if we ALREADY looked like dweebs. Remedy the
situation with a toupee and we become the butt of toupee jokes, an
even more humiliating fate. Ask William Shatner.
Inequality of Environment: If you're unlucky enough to be born in
Burundi or Kurdistan, this one is self-explanatory. But those of us
marooned in drab provincial outposts like Scranton, Brisbane or
Manchester are just as unfortunate: we know we could be closer to
live action, but we're too entrenched to make the move. Maybe a
little scared, too. So we spend our lives like paupers with our
noses pressed against the window of a bright and festive restaurant.
We surely deserve our fate, but it's still unfair.
Inequality of Lifespans: Similar to Inequality of Health, but the
nasty thing is that perfectly healthy people can be struck down by
stepping in front of a moving bus or being whacked on the head by a
falling piano. That's all, folks - - gone at 23, with no chance for
an encore. You're exterminated and permanently removed from the land
of the living. No memories. No progeny. End of story. Meanwhile,
former filing clerk Elvira Butz is still humming along nicely at
102, adored by her 67 living descendents. Good for her.
Inequality of Fun: Some of us spend our waking hours poring over
details at our desks and sprouting gray hairs. For others, life
seems to be a perpetual orgy of whitewater rafting adventures,
all-night beach parties, ski trips and other sensory delights. This
is especially annoying when the funhogs get promoted over you at
work. I think it's genetic.
Inequality of Metabolism: "Survival of the fittest" has
been replaced by "survival of the fastest." In a downsized
workplace, you've simply got to have the metabolism of a hummingbird
to keep up with the ridiculous workloads. Not only do the
thyroidally advantaged thrive in the workplace, but they've been
known to consume an entire pizza at one sitting and actually lose
weight. My theory: they must be mutants or aliens.
Inequality of Intelligence: Nathaniel Brundage is born with an IQ
of 148, graduates from Cornell with a degree in architecture, and
ends up working as a draftsman at the construction firm of G. I.
Wheezer & Sons, headed by Gus Wheezer, high school dropout. As
you may have surmised, the real world is run by people of slightly
above-average intelligence. Those at either end of the bell curve
are generally made to suffer. To be intellectually gifted is to be
as disadvantaged as a moron, with one minor difference: morons are
happier.
There you have it, folks -- the bright promise of American
civilization in all its tarnished glory. So much for the notion of
equality. So much for our fatal aspirations. Of course, the Sage of
Monticello never promised equal results, only equal rights. But try
telling that to a nation of chronic strivers who expect to attain
their loftiest and most unattainable goals... who crush each other
and themselves in the pursuit of happiness.
Ah, Mr. Jefferson, look now upon the fruits of your valiant
words, and despair!
