 |
|
The Cynic Hall of Fame
|
We have a Baseball Hall of Fame and a Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. No doubt there are halls of fame for dentists and sheet-metal contractors, too. So why not enshrine the greatest cynics of all time? That's exactly what I've done here. And I say it's about time.
The choices are strictly my own, and they're sure to raise a few eyebrows -- although probably not more than two per person. My selections were based on the quality rather than the quantity of cynicism exhibited by the individuals in question (otherwise Howard Stern might have made the list).
|
|
The All-Time Great Cynics
Honorable Mention
World-Class Wise Guys
Beyond Cynicism |
|
 |
Arranged chronologically by date of birth.
Aesop (c. 600 B.C. ) Was he real or legendary?
We're not absolutely sure. Aesop may have been a slave who lived on the Greek
isle of Samos; it's said that he was slain by irate priests at the Oracle of
Delphi. (He probably got himself into hot water by mocking their beliefs.) His
works weren't assembled into book form until about eight centuries after his
time. No doubt numerous ancient storytellers added to the collection along the
way. But the reputed author of the world's most famous fables -- man or legend
-- has to stand as literature's great proto-Cynic. His brief moral tales are
sharp allegories of human folly -- even when the characters are foxes, crows,
mice, tortoises and hares. Aesop's Fables teem with the wisdom and gentle
mockery of someone who knows the human animal inside and out (especially our
weaknesses). If you think Aesop is just for children, think again -- and read
him again.
Favorite quote:
"Familiarity breeds contempt."
Antisthenes (c. 450- c. 370 B.C.) This old Greek was the founder of Cynicism -- the world's first official cynic! (How fitting that his name begins with ANTI!) A follower of Socrates, he believed that we must cultivate virtue and shun materialism. Does this sound like a cynic? The answer is a resounding YES! True cynicism springs from disappointed idealism. We wanted the world to be a nicer place than it turned out to be. So we thumb our noses at the sources of our disillusionment. The ancient Cynics gained an unsavory reputation by hanging out in the streets and mocking the conventional money-grubbers of their day. Sounds like a movement ripe for a revival! Aristophanes (c. 448-c. 388 B.C.) The undisputed king of ancient comedy. This Athenian genius lampooned the political, social, and literary trends of his time in a series of mirthful comic plays. Aristophanes had a wonderful sense of the ridiculous, as when he put a dog on trial in
The Acharnians. Like any good cynic, he was always eager to deflate the more pretentious intellectual fads of his day. Imagine what he would have done with Political Correctness!
Favorite quote:
"How useless is a decent education."
Diogenes of Sinope (c. 408-323 B.C.) Most celebrated of the ancient Cynics, this pupil of Antisthenes is fondly remembered for his outrageous deeds and sayings. (All of his writings have vanished.) In his pursuit of virtuous
simplicity, he gave away his belongings and took up residence in a tub. When
Alexander the Great approached him outdoors and asked if there was anything he
could do for him, the old philosopher simply replied, "You can get out of my
sunlight." According to legend, Diogenes carried a lamp by day in his cynical
search for an honest man.
Favorite quote:
"I am Diogenes the Dog. I nuzzle the kind, bark at the greedy and bite
scoundrels."
Menippus(first half of third century B.C.) Little known today (it
doesn't help that his writings have vanished), Menippus was probably the first
Cynic philosopher to write humor. A slave who purchased his freedom, he went
to Thebes and studied Cynicism there. He is supposed to have regarded the
world as a vast madhouse and had a keen eye for spotting absurdity. His tone
veered from the serious to the outlandishly comical, and his satirical
dialogues influenced many ancient writers including Lucian, who eventually
influenced Swift. Too bad we can't read him.
Jesus of Nazareth (c. 5 B.C.-c. 30 A.D.) What can you say about a
wandering Jewish teacher who loathed materialism, ranted about hypocrisy and
castigated the smug religious establishment of his day? That he was the Son of
God and the savior of mankind? Perhaps. (We won't know for sure until we meet
him.) That he was a cynic of the noblest order? Just as likely, I think. I've
hesitated to dub Jesus a cynic because of the holy trappings that have
embellished his name down through the centuries. And yes, he told us to love
our enemies and counseled us to "judge not." But let's never forget
that the immortal Galilean personified the true cynic's eternal opposition to
cruelty, privilege and humbug. He cared little for worldly institutions;
instead, he advocated a revolution in the human heart.
Favorite quote:
"For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world and lose
his own soul?"
Martial (c. 40-104 A.D.) Supreme master of the Latin epigram, the Spanish-born Martial produced hundreds of brief, wickedly witty miniature poems. Most of them stand up surprisingly well today -- biting, racy, sometimes downright insulting. A friend of Roman emperors and other notables of his day, Martial was a bit too much the comfortable insider to be a true cynic; picture Dennis Miller in a toga. But he was the sharpest and most irreverent wit of his age.
Favorite quote:
"You are so pure in mind and heart,
In aspect, too, so mild,
I wonder that you ever could
Implant your wife with child." Juvenal (c. 58-c. 137) Roman cynic par excellence. His sixteen verse Satires rumble and grumble about life in the Empire. Peevish, pompous and judgmental, Juvenal wins our sympathy with his dark humor and wounded sense of justice. Here was a gifted man who (unlike his friend Martial) lived in near-poverty while he watched wealthy airheads make merry... a virtuous man who simply couldn't restrain himself from ridiculing the follies and evils of his day. (And those were days to rival ours in the folly-and-evil department!) His eloquent outrage makes him a fine companion for any cynic who feels at odds with the times.
Favorite quote:
"Honesty is praised and starves."
Lucian of Samosata (c. 115-c. 190) This Greek-speaking Middle Eastern
freethinker was the most wildly imaginative of the ancient satirists. He wrote
mischievous fantasies and dialogues, criticism and biographies, essays and
rhetoric, possibly a novel (Lucius, or The Ass) and a rollicking
mock-travelogue (The True History) that included a trip to the moon and
anticipated Gulliver's Travels by more than fifteen centuries. Like the
best satirists, Lucian expressed his outrage at human follies without losing
his sense of fun. Naturally he was regarded as a blasphemer, though he somehow
survived to a ripe old age.
Favorite quote (from The True History):
"Every word of this is a lie, and my readers should put no trust in it
at all."
François Villon (1431- 63?) Rogue, vagabond, outlaw, bohemian, and the
premier poet of medieval France. Though educated at the Sorbonne, Villon
repeatedly ran afoul of the law, lived among thieves, killed a man, and
finally was exiled from Paris. He disappeared from history immediately
thereafter, his fate unknown. His poems are bitter, eloquent, personal, often
funny and ribald. Check out his masterpiece, The Grand Testament, his
impassioned (and often mischievous) farewell to friends and enemies alike.
Favorite quote:
"A dying man enjoys free speech."
Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527) If Machiavelli had simply instructed
rulers in the art of manipulating a gullible public, I wouldn't have enshrined
him here. (Crass manipulation might be the world's idea of cynicism, but it's
not mine.) The famed author of The Prince and The Discourses was
a more complex and contradictory figure than the term
"Machiavellian" would imply. He was cynical about the often brutal
governments of Renaissance Italy; in fact, he was imprisoned and eventually
exiled after the fall of the Florentine republic. His ultimate goal, to be
sought by any means, was the establishment of a stable republic that invited
public participation. Like most good cynics, Machiavelli turned out to be an
idealist at heart.
Favorite quote:
"How we live is so far removed from how we ought to live."
| |
 |
François Rabelais (c. 1493-1553) I'd love to claim this merriest of satirists as a cynic, even though his extreme love of life probably disqualifies him. Still, this immensely learned Frenchman displayed a rollicking irreverence toward the sacred cows of his day. His outlandish and ribald tales of Gargantua and Pantagruel are full of inspired belly laughs that roll across the centuries. In his own time, he was considered a heretic and his books were banned by the Sorbonne. His alleged last words: "I go to seek a great perhaps. Draw the curtain, the farce is over."
Favorite quote:
"Oh thrice and four times happy are those who plant cabbages!"
William Shakespeare (1564-1616) Wittiest and most eloquent of
word-magicians, the mysterious Bard of Avon must take his rightful seat among
the cynical immortals. Though we know relatively little about the man himself,
his plays and sonnets reveal a lingering obsession with mortality and the
futility of human enterprise. Life was, in the memorable words of the doomed
Macbeth, "a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying
nothing." Shakespeare gazed bravely into the ghastly hollow eyes of death
and took no consolation from the prospect of a hereafter. Yet he was the
sprightliest of wits; his mind teemed with irreverent jests and creative
insults. For Shakespeare, comedy and tragedy were two sides of the same coin. We
might be powerless to oppose the gods, and death is as dark as it is certain.
But with a robust spirit we can snatch our share of love and mirth before the
curtain falls.
Favorite quote:
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded
with a sleep."
Duc de la Rochefoucauld (1613-1680) This aristocratic Frenchman is famous for his
Maxims, a collection of about 500 epigrams that typically expose the selfishness behind most of our "honorable" motives. Polished and pithy, these little gems still pack a punch three centuries later.
Favorite quote:
"We all have enough strength to endure the misfortunes of others."
Molière (1622-73) Born Jean Baptiste Poquelin, this greatest of French comic playwrights delighted in exposing the fashionable vices of society. Typically he would skewer a single folly in each of his mirthful satires: religious hypocrisy, the nouveau riche, intellectual pretension, quack medicine, or hypochondria. An actor as well as a playwright,
Molière was fatally stricken
while playing the hypochondriac onstage -- an irony he might have appreciated
had he not been the victim.
Favorite quote:
"An educated fool is more foolish than an ignorant one."
Jonathan Swift (1667-1745) One of the most brilliant satirists of all time. Much of his
Gulliver's Travels is a bitter diatribe against our species; his petty-minded Lilliputians and swinish Yahoos sum up the worst in human nature. For a quick introduction to Swift, read his priceless essay,
"A Modest Proposal," in which he ironically suggests a productive use for infants in famine-stricken Ireland. You'll never look at a casserole the same way again.
Favorite quote:
"When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him."
Alexander Pope (1688-1744) With the mind of a genius in the body of a hunchback
(he topped out at about 4 1/2 feet), it's no wonder that Pope grew into a sharp-tongued cynic. He translated Homer and befriended many of the leading men and women in an especially brilliant age. But he built his lasting reputation with wickedly elegant verse satires like
The
Rape of the Lock and The Dunciad, in which he skewered stupidity, folly, and men who happened to be less talented than Pope. Not the most lovable of cynics, but an admirable one.
Favorite quote:
"No creature smarts so little as a fool."
Voltaire (1694-1778) Born François Marie Arouet (Marie? No wonder he changed his name), the man who called himself Voltaire was the reigning genius of his century. Was he really a cynic? Perhaps the best kind: he used the tools of a cynic -- biting scorn, irony, lucid wit, and an acute sense of injustice -- to attack inhumane institutions and promote enlightenment. He frequently tangled with authorities and spent much of his life in exile. Finally, in his 84th year, he was welcomed back to Paris in a triumphal celebration that quickly proved fatal. His prodigious output fills several shelves: plays, poems, pamphlets, letters, philosophy, historical writings and miscellaneous works. But he is best remembered for the wit and wisdom of his immortal
Candide.
Favorite quote:
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
William Hogarth (1697-1764) England's premier visual satirist. In several memorable
series of engravings like The Rake's Progress and Gin Lane, Hogarth
skewered the rich and the poor with equal glee. His cynic's soul abominated the cruelty and
sleaziness of "modern" urban life, and his work reveals a landscape peopled by
drunks, curs and reprobates. Still, he kept an admirable balance between savage
humor and genuine pity for suffering humanity.
|
Dr. Samuel Johnson (1709-84) More of an endearing curmudgeon than a true cynic, the good doctor (actually an honorary LL.D.) uttered some of the choicest bons mots in the English tongue. He wrote the first major English dictionary, sprinkling in a handful of tart definitions that reflected his own prejudices. Cranky as well as great-hearted, he could wither an opponent by the sheer bullying bulk of his body and intellect. As vividly recorded in Boswell's
Life of Samuel Johnson, Dr. J possessed the cynic's gift for piercing the armor of sham and folly.
Favorite quote:
"That fellow seems to me to possess but one idea, and that is a wrong one."
Nicolas Chamfort (c. 1740-94) All good cynics should sympathize with the unfortunate Chamfort. Here is a man who tried and rejected the Church, the French aristocracy, and ultimately the French Revolution. A disillusioned soul known today for his brilliant maxims, he was persecuted for his outspoken views during the Revolution -- and is said to have died by his own hand when faced with arrest.
Favorite quote:
"There are well-dressed foolish ideas, just as there are well-dressed fools."
Francisco Goya (1746-1828) Arguably the greatest artist of his time, Goya made his reputation
as the official painter of the Spanish court. (He must have been an extremely well-regarded and
self-confident cynic to get away with depicting his royal patrons in such an unflattering light.) He
grew even more cynical after going deaf in middle age, and his later works (like Los Caprichos
and Disasters of War)rank among the darkest satires in the history of art.
Favorite quote:
"The sleep of reason produces monsters."
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) Friendless, unmarried, and estranged from his mother, the German-born Schopenhauer developed (not surprisingly!) a world-view that was bleak, misogynistic and steeped in pain. Fortunately he
seasoned his writing with profoundly cynical wit. Schopenhauer may be the
most pessimistic of the great philosophers, but he is also one of the most
readable -- especially in his Essays and Aphorisms. Pay him an occasional
visit, commiserate with him, marvel at his penetrating mind. But don't move
in with him!
Favorite quote:
"Every writer writes badly as soon as he starts writing for gain."
Honoré Daumier (1808-79) One of the most penetrating caricaturists of
all time, Daumier towered above the
satirists of his day (including the writers). He rose to fame with his impudent
political cartoons, which got him charged with sedition and tossed behind bars
for six months. In an almost absurdly prolific career (Daumier produced
nearly 4000 lithographs!), he never tired of lampooning the foibles of the respectable European
bourgeoisie -- a model for numerous lesser talents in the twentieth century and beyond.
|
Henry David Thoreau (1817-62) Thoreau, a cynic? He didn't sneer. He didn't even grumble a lot. But this quiet sage rejected the American success ethic in a remarkably self-assured manner. In fact, he's probably closer to the founding ideals of ancient Cynicism than anyone in this gallery besides the founders
themselves. A virtuous irreverence shines through the lyrical pages of Walden, and Thoreau makes good company on lonely Sunday nights, when you can't bear the thought of returning to work for another week of soul-sapping drudgery.
Favorite quote:
"Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes." |
|
Mark Twain (1835-1910) If you think of Mr. Clemens as a folksy yarn-spinner, get your hands on some of his later works, like
Letters from the Earth. Devastated by the deaths of loved ones and the failure of his publishing ventures, Twain grew intensely bitter without losing his sense of humor -- the ideal combination for cynical writing of the highest order.
Favorite quote:
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) The author of The Cynic's Dictionary doffs his cap at the mere mention of this man. The blackest of black humorists, Bierce funneled his secret furies into that masterpiece of ironic lexicography,
The Devil's Dictionary. He also produced a body of finely crafted, grimly entertaining short stories. (Read "Oil of Dog" for starters.) According to legend, Bierce vanished from this orb shortly after joining Pancho Villa's raiders in Mexico at the age of 71.
Favorite quote:
Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) A zealous and solitary idealist, this indisputably brilliant German
philosopher exhibited an overabundance of cynicism in his utter contempt for the human "herd." He called for a
new breed of "superman" who would break the shackles of Christianity and inaugurate a heroic age. He
died insane. Though no anti-Semite, Nietzsche was posthumously adopted (and his ideas perverted)
by the Nazis in their campaign to forge a master race. Dip into Thus Spake Zarathustra or Beyond Good
and Evil for a taste of his mesmerizing mind.
Favorite quote:
"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster in the process."
 |
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) This Anglo-Irish writer is probably more famous for his flamboyant public persona than he is for his elegant comedies and fiction. He won early fame as a quotable dandy and enjoyed the company of the "best" society -- until he was tossed into prison as the result of a homosexual affair. A broken man, he died in exile in France. Although Wilde can be predictably perverse in his pronouncements (e.g., "It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances"), he deserves recognition a daring, funny and liberating spirit.
Favorite quote:
"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." |
|
W.C. Fields (1880-1946) That glorious scalawag, that crustiest of curmudgeons, that mumbling mountebank with the incomparable drawl uttered some of the most memorable lines in the history of film. His face, his voice, his manner, and his words (he penned most of his own screenplays under such pseudonyms as Mahatma Kane Jeeves and Otis Criblecoblis) all converged into a harmonious portrait of the cynic's cynic: a fundamentally decent man whose sarcasm and chicanery helped him preserve his dignity in an unkind world.
Favorite quote:
[On being asked if he likes children]
"I do if they're properly cooked." |
 |
H.L. Mencken (1880-1956) Let me go out on a limb: the Sage of Baltimore was the most exhilarating American writer of the 20th century. The verbal acrobatics, the high spirits, the unbridled freedom of his ideas, the merry contempt for yahoos and respectables alike... all that Menckenian gusto sweeps you up in a tornado of words. Here was a man who genuinely relished being cynical. What makes him even more amazing is that most of his work was produced under the daily deadline pressures of professional journalism. If you haven't read anything by him, get hold of a short anthology like
The Vintage Mencken... and get intoxicated!
Favorite quote:
"The universe seems to be in a conspiracy to encourage the endless reproduction of lodge-joiners and Socialists, but a subtle and mysterious opposition stands eternally against the reproduction of philosophers." |
 |
Julius "Groucho" Marx (1890-1977) Hurray for Captain Spaulding... and for Rufus T. Firefly, Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff, Otis B. Driftwood and all
the other incarnations of this loping, cigar-wiggling, eye-rolling American
original. For his skill in flinging barbs at society's stuffed shirts -- as
well as for the exuberant, irreverent anarchy that he brought to every film
performance -- the one and only Groucho merits a place of honor among the
cynical immortals. (His brothers were no slouches, either.) To his credit,
Groucho was equally adept without a script; he proved his cynic's credentials
with hundreds of acerbic ad-libs on radio and TV.
Favorite quote:
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member!" |
|
Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) Compulsively clever, always ready with a sharp retort, Parker was the focal point of the legendary Algonquin Round Table in the 1920s. She was also profoundly unhappy, often suicidal, and unlucky in love. But she possessed a gift for friendship and, above all, a winning way with an aphorism.
Favorite quote:
[On a stage performance by the young Katharine Hepburn]
"She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B."
Evelyn Waugh (1903-66) If he had written nothing but The Loved One, his whimsical satire of the American funeral business, Waugh would merit entrance to the Cynic's Hall of Fame. Plump, spoiled, and terminally snobbish, this upper-crust Briton was as gifted a prose stylist as he was a wicked observer of human folly. Other notable works include
Decline and Fall, Vile Bodies, and Black Mischief.
Favorite quote:
"Anyone who has been to an English public school will feel comparatively at home in prison." |
|
Richard M. Nixon (1913-94) The real Nixon lies somewhere between the crafty villain the press loved to hate, and the great world statesman of his own hopeful imagination. I say we reposition the 37th president as a lonely, misunderstood cynic.
Think about it: he had all the hallmarks. He was an idealistic youth whose
formative years were wracked by hardship and tragedy...
an intelligent young outsider scorned by Ivy League insiders... a gifted but graceless politician who realized that nothing in this life would be given to him by others -- that he'd have to scheme and grovel
to snatch the kind of success that his archrival J.F.K. enjoyed almost effortlessly. R.I.P.,
R.M.N.
Favorite quote:
[To the members of the press following his 1962 gubernatorial defeat]
"Just think how much you're gonna be missing. You don't have Nixon to kick around any more."
Gore Vidal (1925- ) The venerable Mr. Vidal would hardly relish the thought of spending eternity as Nixon's next-door neighbor in the
Cynic Hall of Fame, but here he is all the same. A congenital Nixon-hater (and Christian-hater, and Republican-hater), Vidal represents that unique
modern contradiction in terms: the left-wing snob. This latter-day pagan is among the most provocative and entertaining essayists since Mencken, as well as an ambitious novelist who relishes writing about the political underbelly of American history.
Favorite quote:
"There is nothing more debasing than the work of those who do well what is not worth doing at all."
Tom Lehrer (1928- ) Tom who? All right, so his career as a cynical songster came and went with the '60s. Those of you too young
to remember him should know that this Harvard mathematician wrote some of the cleverest satirical song lyrics of all time, skewering village idiots as well as
celebrities. His fame may die with the last of the Baby Boomers, but let it
be known unto the ages that Prof. Lehrer left his unmistakable imprint upon a
generation of cynics, and that we loved him.
Favorite quote:
"So long Mom, I'm off to drop the bomb, so don't wait up for me..."
Scott Adams (1957- ) Creator of the already legendary comic strip
"Dilbert,"
beloved by legions of cubicle-bound captives for exposing the corporate world
in all its high-minded mindlessness. The first (and possibly the last) MBA
to make the Cynic Hall of Fame, Adams launched Dilbert in 1989 while
working at a series of techno-managerial jobs at Pacific Bell. He continued
to work there until 1995 -- undoubtedly because the environment provided such
excellent source material for his strip. Adams notes that Dilbert himself is
"a composite of my co-workers over the years. I started using him in
business presentations and got great responses" -- a phenomenon that
continues unabated to this day. | | | |
Hall of Fame Index
Picture Credits: Rabelais, Musees Nationaux Paris; Thoreau, National Portrait Gallery, Smithsonian Institution; Twain, Fotofolio (photo by Underwood & Underwood); Wilde, Library of Congress (photo by Sarony); Fields, New York Public Library of the Performing Arts; Mencken, Random House (photo by A. Aubrey Bodine).
|
|
|